Today: “I am Studying Me”

If I were asked about what is the most exhausted way to express stress, the answer is: crying.  

Remembering those days. 3 years of my Fasilkom life, I only found myself was (almost) crying (due to the college stuff) once. It was when I see there were some of my friends were crying in the middle of Sistem Cerdas’s 1st project part A deadline. It was really painful since I also lost a lot of time to focus on that “unable to handle it anymore” feeling rather than giving all my best to finish it. As a result, I found myself uploaded the unfinished project.

Didn’t want to make the same mistake on part B, I went to Izzah’s house with Panny. We did it together all night long. Although we couldn’t hold to not talking about some inappropriate things, I found myself boosted up, believe that I could finish everything. Since Panny and Izzah had finally slept, up until Adzan Subuh, I could not make my finger out from keyboard (My blood type is O, after all). Yeah, I still couldn’t finish it perfectly in fact. Still uploaded the final version with some “Out of Memory” solutions. But there was no pain anymore. I was satisfied with that since I did it with all my mights, plus with no bad feeling at all.

That is the togetherness that gives me courage. The joyful feeling of listening and being listened.

In Fasilkom, I got much more things to be done. Much more difficult things to be solved. Much more deadlines to be made.

Hey, once in the 3 years!
So, how come could I spend almost a whole week in crying out about:

“Oh my God, what am I doing here? Can I just pass the days and go back home?”

Strange me, and it really happened. I felt I could not find myself in this “Suci”.

***

 It is not because of those 15 credits. It is not because of those assignments, report, and exam.
The very relieved feeling this morning is the answer about what I have to do to WIN this game. Although most of the time I don’t mind to give in. This time, I DECIDE TO WIN.

***

“Good Afternoon, everyone. Since I am only an exchange student for one semester in this university, maybe this time is our last time to meet in the class… I am so sorry for any mistakes that I probably do during our time in this class. Thank you very very much for having me in this class, this semester, in this university. For professor especially. Thank you for everything that you have taught to me.
That’s all guys. Hope to see you guys again..”

That two minutes. But my lips was trembling more than any presentations I have done before.

And surprisingly, they all then smiled to me, even clapped their hands to me.

“Enjoy Malaysia, Suci!”

Oh God, today was probably my best day ever in this semester.

***

“Biasa belajar sama-sama tak kalau nak exam? Bagi tahu saya lah, nak ikut…”
“Siap akaak! Ajarkan kami, ya!”

Ya Allah…
Thank you very much…
For this little courage…

***

This is the last month of my exchange life. But I think I get a new subject to be passed in with unlimited credits.

I am learning system thinking and concept, knowledge-based system, academic writing, advance database, and basic Japanese this semester.

Ah, but the most important one, “I am studying me”.

“…dan kita tahu, sebenarnya kita tak pernah sendirian. Kita punya Allah.”
-Mak Hamid dalam Di Bawah Lindungan Ka’bah (Hamka, 1938)

Selangor, 18 December 2014. 
Ah, sudah tanggal 18 saja.
Libur semester ini ke mana ya?

実はね、どんな返信を与えることができない誰かが、あたしですよ。
今まで、本当にありがとうございました。。。

PS: I got the term “I am studying me” from Academic Writing class. It is said that this is a research method to observe your own experience. Means that you’re researching your own self.

PSS: Ngomong-ngomong soal riset… Besok harus ngemail si bapak ini mah :”

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